Since a vast majority of my friends have been going through
breakups, I have come up with…..
Lacey’s New and Improved rules for a breakup.. or non
breakup for all us people who have been in that non-relationship (you
know, where it’s like a relationship in every way except for the fact that it’s
not…okay maybe that was only in my head... or not.)
1.)
Don’t immediately agree to stay friends
Congrats! You finally worked up the courage to high tail it out of a not-so-ideal
situation or someone made that decision for you. Either way, this is a
POSITIVE. Now, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to say, “hey yeah! We
can totally still be friends! I’m so chill, it’s cool! I’m so chill in fact
that my heart isn't even beating..and I’m like that girl in Frozen.” Said no completely sane-and-thinking-straight person EVER.. don’t
forget about the most important word in your situation BREAK.. if you can be
friends, save it for down the road.
2.)
Block/Unfriend them on Facebook
I know, I
know, we’re all adults here right? So you can totally still be FB Buddies
right? Yes, that sounds all well and good until you see Joe Misshim with his
arm around that brunette who (you think.. but isn’t really) 20x hotter than you and you suddenly feel like
now is a good time to go jump off 50ft bridge over 2 feet of water… Friends can
always be re-added, but It takes time to heal from a blow to your self-confidence
while you are trying to heal from... well, a blow to your self-confidence. Just do yourself a favor and put the blinders on.
3.)
If you feel like you NEED to, HAVE to get drunk,
call your besties and have a girls night
Just don’t do it alone right now YOU
WILL DO SOMETHING STUPID… I REPEAT, DO NOT DRINK ALONE, YOU WILL MAKE BAD
DECISIONS
4.)
If you feel the urge to drunk dial or text your
ex (or non-ex, whatever), have your girlfriend throw your phone in a fire pit,
volcano, or anything flammable really
Because I’m pretty sure that’s the only
way to destroy a Samsung Galaxy….
5.)
Take up a High intensity workout
You can do
yoga once the mad/sad/RAGE is out. For now, work through that shit with some
kick boxing, intense running, or something of the such. Not only will the endorphins
lift your mood, you’ll feel better and look hot for all those super hot new
hotties that will be flocking your way.
6.)
STOP TALKING ABOUT IT-
Rehashing it with your
best friend one night is therapeutic.. anything after that is just
self-inflicted torture. You said it, you got it out.. move on.
7.)
Rebound once, with Channing Tatum... or with that guy who looks like him..or two of him maybe? But only once!!
....And then
take a breather and focus on yourself.
8.)
Be single for a while
The best way to get over
a relationship does not happen to be by getting into another right away. Trust
me, when the next one fails.. it will just bring with it all your unresolved
issues from the previously unsuccessful relationship. Deal with yourself, then
when you’re truly ready to open up and share yourself again and experience life
with someone else (who you will absolutely under no circumstances compare them
to or blame them for the actions of someone else) then do so.
9.)
Sulk and pamper yourself at the same time
Because you won't get around your emotions without actually dealing with them so go get your nails done while you bask in your saddness, or a massage, or take a hot bath with a glass of wine. Win-win!
10.) Trash the Ben and Jerry’s
eating high
calorie sugary shit will not make you feel hot, and you want to feel hot right
now…
11.) Don’t
plot to get him back
Because it’s pathetic. Sorry if I just hurt your
feelings, but it is. Don’t waste time trying to get HIM back, productively use
your time to get YOURSELF back in check, you super hot, hottie!
12.) Stop Blaming Yourself, and Him Too
Yes you’re pretty
enough, smart enough, awesome enough etcetera.. it just didn't work! Don’t
blame yourself, don’t blame him. The truth is, both of you had some fault in
the demise of your relationship. It’s unhealthy to focus on blame rather than
just realizing, it probably wasn't right.
13.) Don’t Stop Yourself from moving on
Is there
a possibility he might realize how much he needs you and come back? Of course!
There’s also a chance I’ll win the lottery next week but it’s not even by a
margin of reality a safe or strategic bet. The only smart bet in this situation is you moving on and
being happy because that’s what WILL in fact happen as long as you stop
dwelling in the past.
I’ll stop there… 13 seems appropriate since
it’s my lucky number ;-)
Hope this finds you all well and this is just
something you can store in your memory file for the future or get a good laugh
out of. But if not, you should totally come drink with me ;-)
